Dealing with in-laws can be tough, but it doesn’t have to be ugly. In the recent past, due to unavoidable circumstances (avoidable; though if my hubby was convinced), I am living with my in-laws in their home for some time. Initially, things were bad and I was hopelessly dealing with them, including fighting with my husband resultantly ruining my relationship with him. After awhile I came to realize that, I have to give my in-laws and myself some time to accept each other. After all, I have been married into their family and I have taken license to own and hang out (for major part of the day) with their most priced possession, it is but natural for them to feel not so good about me.
Having spent some good and bad times, I have gathered few tricks of trade that may help many daughters of Eve in dealing with their in-laws especially their Moms-in-Law (“Moms-out-law” to be more precise).
1) See through Her Canvas
It is not necessary that all Mothers-in-Law are difficult (although the exception is a very little percentage). The trick to avoid awkward moments with her is to start seeing things from her perspective. You have married the apple of her eye and before you walked in, she was the only special woman in your husbands’ life. She changed his pampers, fed him meals and gave sacrifices to shape him into what he is today. She is the one person who is directly responsible for what your husband is today (good or bad). It is only but natural for her to feel possessive about him because she is his sole mentor.
With your arrival, she might feel intimidated or afraid over the fact that her son may not need her anymore once he has you in his life. He may become indifferent to her existence and stop treating her special. If you can understand this basic phenomenon, there is a chance that you may learn to cope with your mom-in-law better and might even win over her.
2) Give her the Authority
Many of us feel that all mothers-in-law are bossy and keep nagging at you, trying to put you down and correct you even when you are not wrong. They are determined to make you do things the way they do it or the way it is done in their home since ages. These mothers-in-law keep criticizing at everything you do and advise you to improve. For a girl who is an outsider in their home, she cant help feeling that she can never measure up to their standards. In a situation like this, what I have learnt (through hard way though) is to ask her advice on every occasion, give her the credit for being experienced and much more skilled. If she tells you to do something one way and you have a difference of opinion with it, politely thank her and tell her that next time you will do it her way. By giving her the authority and giving her the desired importance, I reckon that with time you may start to get her on your side.
3) Avoid bad-mouthing Your In-laws to your Husband
It is only natural that when your in-laws are mean and unjust to you, you tend to bad-mouth them to your husband. The most important thing to note here is the fact that in case of parents, despite the fact how wrong they may be, very rarely will your hubby accept it or least take any action about it.
Filling your husband with details about your conflicts with your in-laws will gradually make him angry and take him away from you. Try handling your issues by yourself, avoiding conflict as much as possible. Spare your husband with negative thoughts and feelings about them. This does not mean that you do not confide in to your husband even when life with In-laws becomes devastating.
Remember to keep everybody on his or her place and at a limit. Be respectful but do not let anyone take undue advantage of you to help keep up your marriage.
4) Stop Competing with Your In-laws
Normally in our culture, you will see a ‘tug of war’ going on in homes, where the “husband” is being pulled from both ends. The wife drags him to her side, seeking his attention, affection or time. The parents are determined to keep their son close to them for as much time as possible. In a situation like this try, understand the awkward position of your husband. He is definitely not having a party in this “who pulls the most” race.
I would suggest you not to try tricks (as the other party does) and use your mind to win your husband’s trust. This is a tough deal when there is interference all the time and you both hardly get any time alone. Do Not ruin the time you as a couple get alone. Make this time that you have in hand relaxing for yourself and your husband. He will automatically start looking forward to spending more and more time with you alone. What we stupid women (sorry about this) do is, use this time to incite our husbands, or cry over our misfortunes and have-nots, creating a feeling of dissatisfaction for the entire family as a whole. The key to coursing smoothly through this rough track is to stay patient (too much to ask I know) and handle things diplomatically. Be genuine and show through your behavior to your in-laws that you have not come to their home to snatch away their beloved son.
5) Never Trust your In-Laws with your Secrets and be Realistic
All relationships are fragile when they start. With time, they mature as two parties begin to gain trust of each other. Primary important for you should be to work out relationship with your spouse. When this is achieved, gradually relationship with in-laws also improves.
Try to keep everyone from your husbands’ family at arm’s length. Do not share any of your in-depth secrets with them. There is a strong probability that when things go bad, these secrets will become public.
Another important rule of the game when dealing with in-laws is to avoid talking about your parents’ family or of your past. It is hard to take for even the sanest family on earth. Unfortunately, they instantly connect about your comparing them with your family.
Keep pointing out all good points of your present life, which have happened because of them or their son. We all like to hear good things about ourselves.
Never confide to them about a fight you have had with their son (your husband). No matter what the two of you do in your room, when you are between people, act normal. The fights between partners should never go beyond their rooms. If they do, things become more complicated and everybody gets a license to be unjust to you (just because they saw disturbance between you and your partner).
Remember!! Having to merge into another family and living with new people is never easy. It takes open dialogue and loyalty from both sides to make it work. You must have realistic expectation from your husband’s family. Expecting them to have big hearts and treat you like their own daughter is a little too much to ask for.
It’s a fact that if you do begin to accept your in-laws as they are with their shortcomings and genuinely start to care about them for the sake of your husband, it will have lasting effects on your relationship with your partner. Do not give up Ladies as I have not!!
……… Let’s try hard to handle them (and less hard in mishandling them!! J)……..It will be worth it!
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